Truth Telling At Work

The fastest way to poison a team isn’t a big argument, it’s the silence that comes before it. We start with a real workplace conflict and use it to unpack a skill most organizations say they want but rarely practice well: truth telling at work. For us, it’s not about “brutal honesty” or getting the last word. It’s about giving clear, meaningful feedback that protects trust, improves performance, and strengthens working relationships.

We dig into the foundations that make honest communication possible. First, integrity and the say-to-do ratio: if your actions don’t match your words, people won’t give your feedback any weight. Then we challenge the harder question, intention. Are we sharing truth to help someone grow, repair a relationship, or prevent a repeated problem, or are we trying to vent, punish, or feel powerful? We talk candidly about what happens when feedback turns reactive and why even accurate points can become damaging when the goal is to make someone feel small.

We also get practical about trust at work, psychological safety, and why relationship comes before critique. Feedback lands differently when there’s a civil, respectful connection and a history of follow-through. And because everyone misses sometimes, we close on a missing ingredient in workplace culture: forgiveness, the ability to repair after wrong words, wrong timing, or wrong tone so people don’t carry old mistakes forever.

If you care about leadership, employee engagement, conflict resolution, and building a team that can actually talk to each other, hit play. 

Transcript

A Conflict Sparks The Topic

Karman 0:05

Hello, Tammy and Scott. Hi, Carmen. Hi, Carmen. Scott was normal. What's wrong? I I'm being now I'm feeling sort of at a loss because like whatever I do next is usually like some kind of a response to Scott's whatever of it's being predictably unpredictable.

Tammy 0:26

Unpredictable, which is also a great book. So okay. All right, Scott's being normal today. We'll see what happens.

Karman 0:33

Yeah. Yeah. I hope I hope the rest of you listeners aren't disappointed. Scott's being normal. Or being over abnormal by being normal. Yeah, right. So shortly before we recorded this podcast, we were together in a staff meeting. And one of the things that came up was some conflict, let's just call it what it is, between between Scott and somebody else. That this that the somebody else had gotten over long before they talked to Scott. Like, you know, it was their their thing. And it led to a really great conversation about what it means to be a truth teller with your coworkers. And by co-workers, I really mean like up the ladder, down the ladder, sideways, like all the people that you work with. And I I thought this would be a great opportunity for you guys to like sort of explain that perspective. Like, what does it mean to be a truth teller with people that you work with?

Tammy 1:41

You know, the the piece of this, and this is so interesting because it's coming up as we are talking with companies. And we are talking with individuals who are struggling sometimes with their peers. And we're not actually always talking about frontline staff. I mean, sometimes we're even talking about executive staff.

Karman 2:03

And I I was in a meeting last week with executive staff members who weren't telling each other the full stuff.

Tammy 2:12

And you know, here in Iowa, at least, you know, we do have this thing where we're Iowa nice and we have a tendency to be overly polite. And when we're overly polite, we oftentimes cause our own problems. The other side of it is sometimes we feel as individuals that we don't have a place where it is acceptable to be able to tell folks our truth. And then sometimes you don't know how, right? We we say it wrong, right? So we wait until we're so ticked off that it just all comes out, right?

Karman 2:46

That would be my style. Wait until I'm really, really upset.

Tammy 2:50

Really furious, and then I don't I it comes out, that's great, but nobody can hear me because I lost it, right? And the piece about that is if we don't have a trusting relationship with anyone, the fact of the matter is that telling the truth becomes harder and harder and

What A Truth Teller Really Means

Tammy 3:10

harder for lots and lots of reasons. And I think sometimes we have to recognize that in order for us to be truthful with others and for others to be truthful for us, there's some real foundational pieces that have to be put in place. And in our book, Chief Optimization Officer, we talk about those foundational places.

Scott 3:32

Yeah, I and I think it's was as I think about it, it took for me, I think it took a lot of courage for this person to say, hey, here's here's what I was experiencing, and here's what I have experienced before. And I and I allowed my previous experience to overshadow and and kind of have this, and just kind of that that willingness to be vulnerable and out there was was really cool to see in inside of our organization. I think the other, you know, the other part for me is to be a truth teller that is it is a two-way street and almost a three-way street, if you think about it. One is I have to be willing to say something. Second is I have to be willing to say it in a way that that person can hear me. And then the third element is really when I'm when I'm receiving the truth, I have to listen, hear it, and consider. And so a lot of times people will say, Well, I told the truth. And really they said, Oh, you know, it's it's the age-old question. Does this dress make me look fat? Well, number one, I hope no one's spouse ever asks them that question because it's a trap. Don't fall for it. But it's this piece of, hey, can I tell the truth in a way you can hear me? And is it helpful? Because it's not about telling the truth always, it's about is it helpful in that moment? It may be helpful in that moment, and maybe I need to hold that and I'm gonna come back in a couple days and have that conversation.

Tammy 5:07

And the piece about it, Scott, is have they earned the right? And I know that sounds crazy because it's like, well, I have the right to my own truth. Well, if we're gonna actually be able to work successfully together, right? I actually have to earn the right to tell you my truth. And you have to earn the right to tell me your truth. It is not something that's just uh a God-given, I was born in the United States of America and I can just be a truth teller. No, it's earned, and there are things that we can do to say, yes, I am willing to give you a hearing. Doesn't mean I'm gonna agree with you, but I'm willing to, when you tell me the truth, to like give it a hearing in that spot. And really, the first thing is anybody who actually wants to share their truths with somebody else has to be in the

Earn The Right With Integrity

Tammy 6:05

spot where they're say-to-do ratio. The words that come out of their mouth and the actions that they take, they need to align. And they need to align like 90-95% of the time because you can't tell me what to do when you yourself don't have any integrity, right? And so that's the first thing. Like you can't be bold and step out and do all that stuff and quote unquote be accepted as a truth teller if you yourself don't have integrity. And the say-to-do ratio is the thing that people judge you on and whether or not you are a person of high integrity. Do you say, do you excuse me, do you do what you said that you were going to do? Right? Do you keep your commitments, right? Do you follow through all of those things? Without that, that's foundational. That's like the first piece of this thing, right? Scott, what else is part of that equation?

Scott 7:00

You know, I think it is this. I don't I keep coming back to the places where it's like two-way. And if I step back and I say, okay, ignore the receiver for a moment, and just let's just talk about the sender. If I'm gonna, if I'm gonna be the truth teller, okay, I've earned the right, wonderful. Do I have pure intentions? So Carmen said before, like, oh, sometimes I get and I'm mad. Well, if you've ever been in a room with me and and I and you're in a leadership session, and I say, you know, if you're ever going to give feedback and you're mad, the person you need to be mad at is yourself because you've waited too long. Guilty. Right. And so do you have pure intentions at heart that I'm going to give this feedback so that they can get better? Or am I giving this feedback because I'm vengeful? Or I'm giving this feedback because I'm mad, or I'm giving this feedback because we're having an argument and I'm trying to shut it down. That's not being a truth teller. That's being an asshole.

Tammy 8:01

Do you know? This is a really old-fashioned thing. So just bear with me for a minute. But we used to talk about parents that would say, hey, you should never spank your children in anger, right? And I know we're in a world where we don't use a baseball bat. Yeah, I know, I know we're in a world where we don't spank or corporal punish children anymore. That is something that most people don't do. But the fact of the matter is, is that thing that my parents used to talk about, right? Is that if you're doing anything in a reactive mode, okay, that is not a time period when you are making the best decisions. You are not in a self-management spot in that moment. And so anytime you are in truth-telling mode, you should be very, very aware that you are like this other person is going to be vulnerable in that moment. And if you take advantage of that, that is ugly. That is going, I'm going to use Scott's word, and you know, I swear very often on

Intentions Matter More Than Words

Tammy 9:05

this podcast, but that is being an asshole. That's you saying, I have an opportunity and I'm going to take it, right? And I am going to crush you and make you little. Well, anytime you are giving someone high your perspective, feedback, truth telling, and your intention is to make you feel smaller, that's evil. That's wrong. That's not okay. And you will actually not be seen as a truth teller. You'll be seen as an asshole. I know the few times in my life where I've intentionally made the decision to use my words to take people down a peg. I can still name them because I hurt those people so deeply, and I did that in a vengeful way that I still struggle with forgiving myself for that. And they were years and years and years ago.

Scott 9:57

Now be honest, didn't it feel good?

Tammy 10:00

No, it didn't. It didn't. And that's the thing, you think it does. But I watched, and one of them is my ex-husband, guys. I watched, like I kept saying, Hey, I don't want to have this conversation, let's stop, right? And he kept pushing, and I then used that kept pushing as my excuse. And guys, I I took him down so bad, and I watched his face in terms of how I made him feel. And I've never ever been able to forget that moment and to forget that I consciously chose to do it. And how ugly is that? Okay. And now that was a lot of years ago. I mean, that was 40 plus years ago. I still remember it, I still feel terrible. I still remember his face. And this is a guy I divorced. Okay. Usually you want to dance on your ex's grave, right? No, okay. It still wasn't okay. That choice. So, yeah, Scott, I love this. What is your reasoning? And are you doing this because it's making you feel better? Are you doing it because you're trying to help this person become more? Right.

Karman 11:13

So you are absolutely right. Or are you using it to repair a relationship? You know, am I holding a resentment? Or is there something that I need this other person to understand about what they do that is getting in the way of our relationship? And so again, with having good intention, my intention is to build a bridge where maybe we've got a tow, what do you call that when the bridge pops up?

Tammy 11:42

A drawbridge instead of a I do think that that piece is, and I remember someone asking me, like, what was your intention in saying this? And if you can't answer that in a really, really positive way, when you can see what's in it for them that's good, right? Not what's in it to them to make them little, but to actually build up the relationship to help us get along better, whatever that thing is, if it is there with positive intentions, not about making me feel better, but another really good reason. Yeah, okay. Then then you're in the right spot. So, you

Relationship Before Hard Feedback

Tammy 12:25

know, one, do you have integrity say-to-do ratio? Do you have a history in this relationship where you have auntied in by your say-to-do ratio, right? The second piece of that is really being aware of what your intentions are. And if it is anything that makes them less than, absolutely, you cannot be a truth teller in that spot. You are actually just causing pain and suffering, right?

Scott 12:51

And it's just for me, it's a constant reminder. If you were to hold the mirror up and tell yourself the actual truth, are you justifying why you did it, or was it the right thing to do? And there are times where we're gonna make the wrong call. That's okay. You can learn from that, totally okay. But like, can you hold the mirror up, look at yourself in in the mirror, say, yep, that was the right thing to do. I had good intentions. Now, maybe that other person didn't take it well, maybe they freaked out, maybe they cried, maybe they whatever they did.

Tammy 13:26

Okay, maybe you even said it wrong.

Scott 13:29

And yeah, maybe I just used the wrong words. Wrong words, wrong time, wrong tone, wrong, yeah. And that's okay. If you're in in relationship, you can repair that.

Tammy 13:41

See, that's the other piece, right? We don't when you try to be a truth teller with someone that you're not in relationship with, it's never gonna go well. Okay. So that relationship already needs to exist, and that relationship needs to be at least civil. Okay. I'm not saying best friends, I'm not saying, you know, everything, but if you don't have at least a civil relationship, it doesn't matter. That person is not gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, and therefore that quote unquote truth telling isn't going anywhere. And in fact, that person on the other side is probably saying, I didn't ask for your opinion. I didn't ask for your perspective in this particular situation. And so when you don't have a relationship that is positive in any way, shape, or form, you haven't, they don't want to be in a relationship with you. They don't want to hear your truth. That is going to be rejected. Even if you're accurate, it doesn't matter the chance of it moving in. They haven't invited you. And part of that is understanding that truth-telling, if you're really going to be someone who has the they've been, you've been given the gift of coming in and saying, here is something I would like to hold up a mirror and talk with you about. They have to be at least asking for it, at least in a relationship with you where they actually want to hear what you have to say. And so that relationship piece is critical. And without it, it's not going anywhere. So that is a big piece of this as well. And then if they say it wrong, okay, which by the way, we oftentimes do

Forgiveness After You Say It Wrong

Tammy 15:20

say it in the wrong way. There needs to be a two-way street in this that is around this whole concept of forgiveness. And we don't talk about forgiveness at work, but guys, we all screw up. And as an organization, if we don't have a way to forgive and move on, we are just carrying all of those screw ups with us everywhere we go. I just I know I've been in organizations where it was kind of like that, you know. Oh, there's the first screw up for Scott. Oh, there's the second screw up for Scott. Yep, he's never getting promoted around here, right? Five years later, the stuff that the mistakes that you made when you first walked in the door, you still have a badge on your head that says screw up, right? So we that's another part. If you're gonna be a truth teller, we also have to forgive one another because all of us are screw-ups. Scott, you're shaking your head. What are you thinking?

Scott 16:12

No, I'm I'm thinking about like, okay, so what and like I could think of a there's probably a whole nother podcast about how do you receive feedback. Yes, there is because really that's what we're talking about is how do you give feedback and how do you give clear feedback, meaningful feedback. I mean, that really is at the end, that is what a truth teller is, is they're giving you a perspective to consider, correct? Even if it's from a peer, even if it's from a peer, a peer, a boss, it could be up, right? You said it at the beginning, Carmen. It could be up, down, left, right, sideways, diagonal.

Tammy 16:50

And in fact, I really respect feedback from peers, right? I mean, I'm not saying you don't have the right to do that. I want people from like us that perspective to help me understand what I might not be able to see, which is different than what my boss might tell me, which is by the way, different than what my staff might tell me. I need all of those folks to kind of help me see my blind spots.

Scott 17:14

Yeah. And so what I'm what I'm sitting here thinking about is like, okay, why don't we do this? Because think about how many organizations that we have worked in, worked with, people we've talked to, and they're unwilling to give feedback.

Karman 17:33

Or unable.

Scott 17:36

Unable, right? And so it could be I'm unable. So if you start like what I was processing was, well, it could be they don't know how. Okay, right? It could be they're scared. They've been burned before, they've been burned before, so I have a little, a little, you know, a little I have a little burn burn, I have a little burn tissue on my ass.

Tammy 17:56

Yeah, and and by the way, burned because maybe I didn't do well. Yeah, burned because I didn't receive it well, or they didn't receive it well, and it was their issue, but you don't know necessarily because sometimes I've tried and I I haven't done a good job, and sometimes I actually did a good job and it just wasn't there wasn't reception at the other end.

Scott 18:14

Yeah, and I think to me it's just like okay, yeah, you need to learn how to do it, but in my mind, you just gotta do it and you gotta practice it. And to me, at the end of the day, if you're not working into relationship, then what are you doing?

Tammy 18:28

See, to me, that's the piece. One, I have to start with my own integrity, okay? I have to look

Why Teams Avoid Feedback And Trust

Tammy 18:35

at myself before I am talking to others about their growth. All right. Two, I have to continue to be like work at this competence piece of getting better and better at what I'm trying to do. Three, I have to be in relationship with people. And four, I have to forgive them and I have to forgive myself. And if we don't have all of that, the fact of the matter is telling one another the truth is not going to be there, and trust is not going to be there. Because if I can't tell you the truth based upon those things, trust is not there. And if I can't trust you, then I am constantly trying to figure out ways to get what it is that I want instead of working with you to solve problems and to take care of things. And that's what I am seeing inside of organizations is that I don't trust my peers because they don't have a high say-to-do ratio. They don't have high integrity, they are not necessarily coming to the table and adding value and being competent. We are not in relationship. And once we have an issue, we are not able to work through that issue and forgive one another. And if we don't have that, the fact of the matter is we're co-workers, but we are nothing more than two people working in the same company, not a team, not a group of people that together are better. It's just individuals working towards individual goals. And for me, that's the sad part about it, because we have some brilliant people, but they have not figured out how to act trustworthy, and they haven't figured out how to be truth tellers in a way that is beneficial to themselves and to the organization.