A 65th Birthday Lesson

A 65th birthday should be cake and candles, but we end up somewhere more useful: the uncomfortable truth about failure, patterns, and what it takes to actually change. We start with some playful banter, then pivot into a real conversation about why looking back matters and how reflection can become a tool for resilience instead of a trap of rumination. If you’ve ever felt stuck replaying the same mistake, this one will feel personal. 

We talk through the difference between learning and dwelling, and why past wins can’t be your permanent identity. Then Tammy shares how repeated “kicked in the head” moments eventually reveal a pattern and how ownership becomes the turning point. Scott adds the leadership lens: learn the lesson, stop repeating it, and don’t let emotions pick your habits for you. Along the way we touch on self-awareness, accountability, emotional regulation, and the messy work of becoming the kind of person you’re proud to be. 

We also get practical about coping mechanisms and stress management, using COVID as a clear example. Some of us cope by overtraining, some by overeating, some by numbing out with substances or spending. We unpack why those strategies can help short term while hurting long term, and we point toward healthier resiliency techniques that help you “off-gas” stress without running away from the lesson. 

Transcript

Birthday Banter And Wise Cracks

Karman 0:30

Happy birthday, Tammy. And and hello, Scott.

Tammy 0:36

It is a good day today.

Scott 0:40

It is. You know how we figure out how oh, good morning, Karman, and happy birthday, Tammy. Has the carbon dating come back yet to figure out your age?

Tammy 0:50

Yes. Yes, it has. And just so you know, this girl is 65 years old today. Wow. Okay. Congratulations. Yes, that might be considered old, but to be very honest with you, I don't feel old.

Scott 1:03

I feel energized. What's the what is the female equivalent of being put out to stud?

Tammy 1:11

I don't know. And I don't know any women who want to be put out to stud, but okay.

Scott 1:17

Right as I'm sitting here thinking, like, oh, at retire, like you're at retirement age. That's where you get up put out to stud. I'm like, it's Scott, it's I don't think there's a female version of that.

Karman 1:25

Yeah, yeah. It's called doing a podcast where you share all your wisdom.

Tammy 1:31

Oh, okay.

Scott 1:33

Got it.

Tammy 1:33

And I don't I don't know why you're on. You're not quite old enough to be wise yet.

Scott 1:37

Are you talking to Karman or me?

Tammy 1:39

You smart ass.

Karman 1:44

I mean, Scott does have the most gray hair in this photo uh array right now.

Scott 1:50

Yeah, that's for sure.

Karman 1:51

Yeah.

Scott 1:51

And that is at least so you know, I've been I've been, you know, there's this new trend that you uh go on Chat GPT and you upload a picture of yourself and you say, build a caricature of of me based on what you know.

Tammy 2:06

I actually saw one of those the other day that Scott sent to my husband, did not send to me because he knew that I would rip him a new one, right? But it was kind of funny. It was just not politically correct in any way, shape, or form. Wow. That was not the one he that was not the one he sent me, just so you know, the one he just sent me to you was uh cleaned up version of what the one Scott sent to me. Yeah, which is totally this one, by the way, listeners, just so you know, it's totally naughty.

Karman 2:44

Well, on your birthday, it's a great look back, look forward kind of opportunity. Oh, there's Scott. This next one Scott's showing me is uh him winning a huge ass uh soccer trophy.

Tammy 3:03

Scott doesn't want to talk about my birthday and beginnings and ends. I can tell.

Scott 3:08

Yeah.

Karman 3:09

We were gonna talk. So my question about soccer then is I'm thinking about life lessons, you know, like this seems like a good milestone, but it also not limited to people who have birthdays or reach certain milestones. So why is it important that we learn to look back at our failures and decide where to go from there?

Tammy 3:39

Ah, you know, Karman, interesting.

Scott 3:42

I was just at a wedding and why when she asked about failures, did you talk about a wedding?

Tammy 3:48

Well, because I'm gonna tell you about a conversation that we had, not because the fact my husband and I and Michael and I are not failing in any way, shape, or form.

Scott 3:56

But I thought maybe that I thought maybe who you want to see that you're project you're predicting that they will fail.

Tammy 4:01

No, no, no, no, no. It was interesting. What happened is that we saw a lot of folks. You know how like weddings and funerals, you see people you don't get to see all the time, right? And so we saw some folks that honestly I've not seen for 20 years. And at this wedding, we sat down and were talking, and you know, most people are dancing and drinking and all this other stuff, and we got into a pretty intense conversation and talked about some of the successes that we had had since we had seen each other, but we also confessed some of the failures, and it was really interesting to like be that vulnerable with people that you don't see. I mean, I hadn't seen these folks for 20, 25 years, and to like confess and are you could just I don't know how to explain it, but you could just see that the feeling between us intensified in a way that was real versus all that surface conversation. So it's it's strange because this Karman, this just happened. I mean, two days ago, I ended up having this conversation about some of life's biggest failures, the places that I have tripped and fell, and kind of life's lessons in that spot. It was also one of the questions we just did Buena Vista University, we just did a book club conversation around Think with them, all these amazingly brilliant students who each asked me a question and had the chance to go through it. And it was one of the things that they talked about, like what were the learning lessons along the way? So, you know, I this is just so it's just in the last couple of weeks that this has actually been topics of my conversation, not because I'm turning 65, but maybe because I'm old. I don't know. But yeah, a lot of folks are asking me that. So, Scott, why is it important to go back? I mean, because people have actually they're looking at my old, you know, crows' feet and stuff and asking me these questions.

Scott 6:11

Yeah, I I mean to me, I think about going back, it's ideally so you don't repeat the same mistake or the same kind of mistake. And, you know, I think sometimes we go back and we reminisce a bit, like, oh, those were the glory days. Like to me, that all of that is fair, reasonable. Hey, let's celebrate that, win, you know, holding the big ass trophy or what whatever that is. As long as it is not dwelling, like, oh, I'm just I'm ruminating on this mistake I made and I can't and I can't like let it go. Like, there has to be a place where it's like, okay, yeah, I jacked that up. And how do I, how do I shift and move on from that? Because sometimes I I could create habits that like I just I either lean on my mistake or I lean on, well, you know, I I did this amazing thing 20 years ago, and I should get credit for it forever and ever and ever. Oh, no, you got credit for two years after that. And it sounds terrible to say, but what have you done for me lately? Like, you don't get to like say, you know, I did that amazing thing way back then, and I just get to ride that forever. Now that probably buys you some grace, and it's remembering that when I have good performance, whether I've performed exceptional or good, whatever that is, I get an opportunity to make some mistakes and I kind of survive, right? I get some grace and and I don't get to continue making mistakes because then you're on a decline. And so for me, it's I want to look back reasonably and not get sucked into that so that I can learn how I jettison myself forward.

Patterns, Pain, And Personal Responsibility

Tammy 7:57

I think part of it is whether or not you believe that all the stuff that happens in your life happens for a reason, or all the stuff in your life happens to you and you have no control over it. You know, for me, if stuff just happens and it there's there's no control, it's not my fault. Okay, I just was dealt a crappy hand, then you know, looking back is super painful. Okay. But but here's the piece if you actually believe that like stuff happens, and when that stuff happens, there's an opportunity for growth. There's an opportunity for you to learn how did I contribute to that? What is it that I want out of life? What steps took me in that space? If I had made different steps, would it go differently next time? If something happened, should I be thinking about those steps, or am I just reacting, right? Am I making choices along the way? Because if stuff happens to allow us to learn and grow, it means that while I don't like those moments, and those moments are hard and sometimes painful and sometimes really long. Okay. Every time I learn a lesson and learn what I could do differently next time, and then make a choice about what I would do differently when that same kind of circumstance comes up. I believe then that you have the opportunity to have the life that you are choosing and want. But I don't think that that's an easy thing to do, and I think it's harder to do early in your life than later. And what I mean by that is the time period, I want to reject all those messages. At the time period, I want to point fingers and at other people. In the moment, I don't want to say that I had anything to do with it. Okay. Because I want, I'm trying to be perfect, I'm trying to hide that I am an imperfect human being. One of the cool things about being 65 is I have been kicked in the head so many times and in so many ways, and some of them very small, but others of them really, really, really big. And I didn't learn most of the time the first time some of those things happened to me. I wasn't smart enough. When I was 24 and I got kicked in the head, I blamed everybody else. And you know, there came a time period when I got kicked in the head exactly the same way, and I was 27, and then got kicked in the head exactly the same way, and I was 32, and it kicked in the head exactly the same way, and I'm 37. You started to see a pattern in that, and that pattern was, huh, the only common denominator was Tammy Rogers. Maybe, maybe the problem is me. And and the piece about that is I didn't like getting kicked in the head, and I didn't like being in that valley. And eventually it became painful enough for me to learn. And I will tell you that it's really cool to be on the other side of some of those learning lessons. Now, trust me, 65, I get it. I'm gonna get kicked in the head still. Life is not done like teaching me lessons, right? With that said, though, I've learned a lot of those lessons. I have grown into the person that I am proud of, and I still have potential. So I'm not done yet. That's why we're called Become More Group, right? We're not done, and I'm still going to learn from making mistakes, from tripping and falling, scraping my nose, right? All of those things. But it's really cool to be here. It's really cool to be on the other side of some of those learning lessons. It's really cool to see some of those learning lessons come at you and go, uh-uh, this time I'm not taking the bait. Uh-uh-uh, this time I'm gonna sidestep that mistake, uh-uh-uh, I know better than this, right? And and it is a wonderful gift to have worked through pain and suffering and get to the other side. And I don't know how to explain that, other than that's the work that if you if anybody wants to reach the next level of their potential. And by the way, potential never, it never, you know, the potential is always there. There's always the next step, the place to go. So you don't ever achieve, I've arrived, I'm perfect, right? But if you want to reach that next level, if you want to level up into that spot, it really does mean working through the crap and seeing what it is where you made your missteps, not what other people did, where you made your missteps and having that real hard conversation with yourself in the mirror, right? And there's a gift waiting at the end.

Scott 12:43

If you're willing to hold the mirror up, if you're willing to say, here was my part of that, if you're willing to do the work on yourself to get to the other side, there's a gift. There is. If you're unwilling to do any one of those three things, you're well, I'm gonna use another word, you're stuck.

Tammy 13:03

You're stuck, and you're stuck, and the problem is that pain is gonna keep coming back.

Scott 13:11

Yeah, I mean, what happens is you you may find a mechanism. I think I'm not a clinical psychologist, but I think they cleaned one mechanism podcasts. Yeah, I do play one on this podcast, but right, this is the place where defense mechanisms come. This is the place where I find these little tips and tricks and methods to like manage through my life. And this could be emotional or physical. I like when we visit Beth's mom, she has figured out little tricks like how does she get in and out of the car? How does she, you know, and she's 84, 85. And there's there's nothing wrong with that. And if I'm not doing the work, it becomes a habit that may hold me back.

Coping Mechanisms And Healthier Resilience

Tammy 13:58

We talked about this in COVID, right? And think about this. COVID was really hard on the whole world. Okay. So how did people cope? Right? Well, some people became hunks. They went and worked out, right? It's like I'm gonna work out, I'm gonna work out, I lost my weight, I built muscles, I did all this kind of stuff. They become hunks, right? And there was their coping mechanism, right? Then there were people who became chunks. Now, this is what I did, right? I ate 60 pounds later, all in my lower half, right? I mean, I had a huge behind, and it was my way of coping. I was uncomfortable and I put food into my body, right? Well, then there were people who became what we call drunks or junks. They use substances, right, to mask the pain. Okay. Now there are other ways as well, but those are kind of like the three most common that we see. We actually mask the pain with food, we mask the pain with drugs or alcohol, or we mask the pain by we go physically work out in that spot. There are actually some other coping mechanisms that actually might be healthier for us. Those coping mechanisms can get us from here to there in a way that doesn't harm us. Gaining 60 pounds in two years is not smart. Overworking your body, you know, you think hunky, right? But there are some people who overworked it, right? That's not good for you either. And trust me, you know, that whole thing about putting substances in your body that, yeah, for a while makes you feel good. None of that. Shopping is another thing that some people do. They overspend, right? So, what are the healthy coping mechanisms for you when you're in that place and learning those lessons? And we have a whole program around that, right? Where we actually talk about what are the resiliency techniques that you can add into your life that are not taking a tremendous amount of time, that are repeatable, and allows you to be able to move through and off-gas those additional stressors because that's what's happening when you're in that in your low end, is you have all these additional stressors and it feels like all this weight on you. How do you get rid of all of that, off-gas all of that stress, and let you be in a place where you can still learn and grow, not run away from it, right? Not um pretend it's not happening, but to work through it, to do the work, right?

What Failure Trains In You

Karman 16:39

I mean, I keep thinking about as we talk about, you know, muscles, what muscle does failure help you reinforce? Does it reinforce your running away muscles? Does it reinforce your hiding muscles? Does it reinforce your blaming other people muscles? Or does it reinforce your growth and your ability to look forward and to change?

Choosing Your Response And Becoming More

Scott 17:05

That's fantastic, Karman. Brilliant. It reminds me of when we when we talk about the conflict response, right? Fight, fight, freeze, uh fight, fight, freeze, or peace. All of them have a purpose. Are you choosing it or are you allowing your emotions to choose it for you? So, Karman, as you said that, like all of those, like, yeah, I get in a moment, yeah, I might blame someone for a moment. And then do I process through that and say, okay, yeah, they were assholes, and this was my part. I stayed there too long. I didn't stand up for myself, I didn't right. I fought back and I really shouldn't, or whatever, you know. And if you're doing that in a productive way and you're choosing that, then good for you. If you're allowing it to push you down one of these habits, that's not good.

Tammy 17:59

And Karman, I think honestly, even the way that you talked about it, which muscle do you want to build? And in the end, what's the what is the outcome, the end result of the muscle that you're building? Is it helping you build the life that you want to build and create the human being that you want to be? Or is it not? And that is a really, I think, a great way to look at it. Are you doing the things to get you to the place where you are the best version of you, living the best version of your life at that moment? And believe it or not, I believe that that's a choice. So why do we look back to grow, to live the life that we want, to become the person that we can become, and to become more.