The Leadership Line

The Art of Saying No at Work

• Tammy Rogers and Scott Burgmeyer • Season 6 • Episode 35

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Ever been handed “one more thing” and wondered whether pushing back would help you or haunt you? We dig into the real art of saying no at work—how to protect your bandwidth without damaging trust, and how to turn tense requests into clear decisions that move the right work forward. Along the way, we share the exact phrases that keep conversations calm, the questions that reveal hidden context, and the negotiation steps that map tradeoffs without sounding defensive.

We start by separating core responsibilities from additive requests and unpack why that distinction changes your next move. If the work is core, we talk about ownership and execution; if it’s additive, we show you how to probe for intent—stretch assignment, urgent fire drill, or visibility play—so you can assess risk and reward. Then we dive into tone and power dynamics: with a boss, ask permission before offering alternatives; with peers, redirect or delay while still being helpful; with direct reports, be clear and candid so they can succeed. You’ll hear simple scripts like “Help me understand why this, why now, and why us,” “Where does this fit among A, B, and C?,” and “If we prioritize this, X slips two weeks—acceptable?”

Expect practical tools you can use today: a fast mental checklist for on‑the‑spot decisions, ways to avoid over‑questioning that sounds like stonewalling, and a framework to document impacts so leaders can make informed calls. We also cover when a firm refusal is non‑negotiable—anything illegal, unethical, or harmful—and how to do that with professionalism. By the end, you’ll be able to choose among no, not yet, yes if, and yes—and know why each choice fits the moment.

Speaker 00:

Good morning, Scott and Tammy. Good morning, Karman.

Speaker 02:

I'm gonna I'm gonna mind this whole podcast.

Speaker 00:

He's not gonna speak. So, you know, he's just gonna do something. But I will tell you that here that will never last for long. Scott cannot help himself. He must comment. It's bringing his whole self to the table. I've now left him a challenge and he's gonna see if he can not speak. You know, that's that's the whole thing, right, Scott.

Speaker 01:

He just typed into the chat challenge accepted. So apparently this is gonna be the Tammy show today.

Speaker 00:

Which that's what people come to listen to anyway. So let's just let's just tell the truth. They'd much rather listen to me than Scott. We need to push Scott's buttons here.

Speaker 01:

I'm trying. Yes, they're listening to Tammy because they need something to help them sleep.

Speaker 00:

You know, Karman, if we don't read that, then he doesn't get any energy from this. So I think we should just let him be and see how long he can hold out when we continue to heckle him. Yeah.

Speaker 01:

So last week we were talking about some of the newer self-help books that you know emphasize creating boundaries, you know, putting yourself first. If you haven't listened to it, it's a great conversation. Um, but the during that conversation, it made me think about a time in my work when I was working on a new team and I was working with a lot of new teams. And the woman who ran this particular other team, really great co-worker, somebody that I really admired and enjoyed. And one day she was talking about some change that was coming along or some um task that was gonna be transferred from an old department, maybe to her department. And she said in a meeting, like, I just told them we'd no, we can't do that. That you know, my team's not gonna do that. And I inside I was like, shit, you can do that. You can like say no to work that your team can't handle, like you can say no to your boss, right? It was like I didn't know whether to be in awe or to like be sad for her because she wasn't gonna be around, and and she's still at that organization. I mean, she's really well respected. So my question today is like, can you tell your boss no? And are there ways to do it or not do it?

Speaker 00:

So, Karman, this is a phenomenal thing to talk about, right? Because I think that there is this fear that if you say no, okay, that you're gonna get fired. And and I will tell you, I think that is in many organizations is a reasonable assumption that if you tell your boss no, that you are gonna somehow or another be diminished and worst case be fired, right? So Scott worked for an organization where the philosophy was if you want to be promoted, you had to uh go to different locations. And so when you get offered these different locations, if you say no more than maybe twice, right, they're gonna stop offering, right? So, I mean, there's some truth to some of these things to recognize that there is a cost of saying no in that space.

Speaker 02:

Oh, did you want me to talk? Wait, now Tammy's gonna say, I won, I won. I told you you could keep quiet.

Speaker 00:

That's exactly leave enough silence and look at Scott, and eventually he will speak up. So go for it.

Speaker 02:

I have much longer willpower. I just assumed, you know, we actually wanted to do a podcast today.

Speaker 01:

Outcomes.

Speaker 02:

What was the outcome?

Speaker 00:

Outcomes, just so you know. I I didn't know.

Speaker 02:

In Tammy's mind, her outcome was I won.

Speaker 01:

Um you need to work on your imp imitation of Tammy, Scott. Oh, is that better?

Speaker 02:

Oh, wasn't high pension enough yet?

Speaker 00:

Actually, I have a pretty low voice for a moment. Oh my god, I won. I have a low voice for a moment. Okay, Mr. Bergmeyer, step in, keep talking.

Speaker 02:

I think we just have to say, are there things you should absolutely say no to? Yes. Illegal, immoral, unethical. Like, I don't think we're really talking about those kinds of things. Okay. I, you know, then it's well, all right, what's the risk? What's the reward of saying no? And is it really about saying no? Or is it saying not right now, let's prioritize? Is it like understanding why are you, you know, what's the context around the ask? Because sometimes you might be being asked as a development, or like, I don't want to say test because that sounds like wonky, but it might be something to say, hey, are you ready for this next step of your growth or your career? And you're being, you know, you're being stretched. Yeah, a stretch assignment. And so I think it is taking the time to process and think, okay, why might I being asked and why me? And okay, what's the impact if I say yes? What's the impact if I say no? And or do I need to have a prioritization conversation? And I think what happens is it's just my experience is people fall on the they say no way too fast, or they say yes way too fast without the conversation and context in between. And so, how do you take take a beat or take a moment to process that? And how do you get better at processing a little faster? Because sometimes you might be asked in, like, oh, let me think about that. And you many times you don't have days or weeks or months to think about it. Like, you might need to kind of process kind of quickly.

Speaker 00:

You know, Scott, I love that you bring that up because I think I think there is this polarization, like people fall on one side of this or the other. So if they're saying no, we talk about that sometimes as black hat thinkers, right? They're like, no, no, no, no, no. And then we have this person who says yes, and we think about them as, you know, yellow hat thinkers in this spot, like, yeah, and they're happy and they're hugging trees and they believe in unicorns, right? And I mean, there is a balance. If you are as a human being, you naturally fall into one of those two spots. It's this place where it says, How do I come to a place where there is more balance and thoughtfulness, intentionality, right? Instead of reactivity. Those other two things are people are reacting to the stimulus versus taking a beat. And again, taking a beat, taking a moment to think about it, like, how do you pause for just a bit so that you can ask some questions? So I think the first part of it, you're right. Like when this opportunity comes up, whatever that is that they're trying to put on your plate, it's asking questions. Help me understand why me, why my team. Why do you think we would be beneficial in that? Okay. Um, as we look at this, if we look at all the other things that we do, how does it fit with the prioritization? Now, notice I'm not saying no, and notice I'm not talking about it in even a negative way. Those questions that I just asked were pretty neutral and it's seeking to understand.

Speaker 02:

Sometimes you need to answer, you need to ask yourself those questions before you ask those questions out loud. Because then tell me why. So I want to assess if my boss is asking me to do something that is my job, I I need to start self-reflecting on why does my boss have to ask me and why am I not just getting it done?

Speaker 00:

Okay, you just said something, right?

Speaker 02:

So because I because this there's this piece of like, okay, is it my job? And oh shit, they're asking me because I'm not doing it or there's something going on, and and my questions might need to shift to oh, am I not delivering that in a way that is useful or beneficial and do I need to change, versus am I being asked to do something that maybe is additive, additive. All right. So I like some of these I need to look at myself first. And I always think you should ask those those questions for yourself first. Can you process and understand? Because sometimes I might just say to my boss, hey, this sounds really important. I'm thinking my priority should be this thing, this thing, and then the thing you're asking me to do because of this, this, and this. Does that seem right? Because if because if you go to the well, I'm just gonna ask all these questions, I can tell you in my experience as a leader, depending on how they ask those questions, tone of voice, I might interpret that as you're trying to get out of it. And so it's kind of like having this conversation is really like, and so I'm not saying don't ask the questions, it's just if you already know the answer to these questions because you have the context. Oh, then don't ask then you're fast forwarding, right? And so I think it's it's looking at it and saying, All right, I love these questions, and in my mind, it's a checklist. Do I know this? Yes, do I know this? Yes. Oh, I don't know what priority this is. Okay, now I need to start the conversation there.

Speaker 00:

So what you said is really important, okay, because you know, Karman's example is it's additive, okay? It wasn't part of the job. So I started with that assumption, okay. If it is not additive, if it's your job, that's a totally different set of questions. Okay, just flat out, okay, in that in that particular spot. But if it's additive, I think these questions make sense, but Scott, you're right. If you're asking them to try to push back, that's not the intent of asking those questions.

unknown:

Right.

Speaker 00:

So, what is your intent? Is your intent to make sure that you have all the information that you need so that you can then analyze that and and work through that and decide how you want to respond? Yeah, but if your intent is to tell them that they're an F an idiot, reality is that that's never wise in any situation. That is backing your boss into a corner.

Speaker 02:

And I don't even if they are an idiot.

Speaker 00:

It is, and that is just not smarter wise because they have power, right? And you have to understand that power. So you that's why you have to ask these kinds of questions with positive intents, with the right tone, with being in neutral and with being curious. Okay. So, of course, you don't ask questions that you know the answer to, you ask questions that you are unsure of the answer or don't know. So you're gaining information. Okay. And in that spot, I think that's always wise if you are doing that for the right reason. In that spot, once you have a bigger picture, then you have to ask yourself the next set of questions. The bigger picture may change your mind. A broader perspective may make your first reaction be one that you're like, well, I was saying no, but I'm hearing that there's benefit in this. I'm hearing how this actually helps my team. I'm hearing how this would actually move the organization forward, right? So there is a chance in this spot when you understand context that you can get a more positive reaction, you know, like you're thinking this could be a good idea, or it could be it reinforces your first reaction, which was, hell no, I don't want to do this. This doesn't make any sense to me, right? So let's just kind of fast forward and say, hey, you've asked your questions and it still doesn't make sense. At least not to your brain. I've asked my questions, I've I've brought in my context, I've listened to what my boss has to say, and I still think it's a bad idea. Scott, do you remember when you and I first started working together? I wrote a program for your company called How to Say No. And I do remember that.

Speaker 02:

Yeah.

Speaker 00:

It it literally is a two-hour program about how to say no. And and there is an effective way to say no, okay?

Speaker 02:

In yeah, without using those words, without saying no.

Speaker 00:

So, like, what are the ways that you can redirect? I redirect and I say no with bosses differently than I redirect and say no with staff and coworkers. Okay. And there is a reason for that. Bosses have power, staff and co-workers don't have as much power over me. So I have two different ways. So let's play with that for just a minute. Scott, if you as a boss, is telling your staff member no, how do you know you've asked for something? Okay. How do you tell them reinforce that no in a way that's effective?

Speaker 02:

Yeah, assuming it's a reasonable ask, I am, and it depends on I'm gonna make a decision in that moment. Is this the growth opportunity? Or is this uh I just need to be a little more direct? Okay, if I need to be a little more direct, I'm gonna say no, or now's not the right time, and here's why, or here's my concerns. Okay, if it's a growth opportunity, I'm going to spend a bit more time and I'm going to ask questions. Questions such as help me understand what's the benefit of that. What else have you considered? What research have you done to say this is the best path versus that is a better path? And so again, I'm to me, the growth one may not be a no immediately, because it may be like, yeah, we do have to solve that or we do have to do something different there. I just don't know that what they're bringing to the table is the right thing. And so we we need some more data. And so to me, I'm gonna make that decision and I'm gonna go path A or path B.

Speaker 00:

I hear you. Okay, and we're probably talking about the same thing, it's just uh it's the moment at the end where it's like, I'm sorry, the answer is going to be my answer.

Speaker 02:

Oh, yeah. If if we're talking the moment, the moment at the end, then for me, it's the no, and here's why. Yeah, here's the context around why.

Speaker 00:

And honestly, it's I I think there's this piece that it's like, hey, I hear you, right? So I want to let that staff member know that I heard them, that I even get their reluctance. Okay, and I'm gonna use that word, I you know, in that spot. So I hear you, and I hear that reluctance, or I hear your concerns. And, and you know me, that's my my connective phrase, and this decision has been made. This is why that decision has been made. So here's the context, and here's what um, you know, here's why that decision has been made and how we're gonna have to move forward. I think being very forthright when it's an employee is critically important because it's honest, right? I agree with that, and then they can succeed and there's clarity in that space. Now, if it's a boss, okay, I handle this very differently. And my methodology of handling it is to say, is there an opportunity still for us to look at this differently? I typically ask permission. And if the boss comes in and says, no, the decision has been made, I'm like, okay, I kind of have to suck it up. Okay. But if they're open, so I'll say, is there an opportunity to look at this differently? Could we have a conversation about another perspective? Um, I'd like to share another idea. Is that something you might be open to? Those are methodologies of my saying as an employee no. And then I would bring that to the table. And I'll and like if they're saying, yeah, but we can still talk about it, then I'm gonna start saying my concern is, or here's what I think we could do, or I think a better outcome would be. And I can bring my perspective, right? But I'm gonna ask permission to bring that perspective if it's my boss, versus I'm going to tell if it is a staff member. Do you see that differently?

Speaker 02:

No, I mean, the only variation that I do sometimes more of a delay tactic.

Speaker 00:

Now that is what I do with coworkers.

Speaker 02:

Okay. Well, and and for me with with a boss, it like if the decision is made and there's really no like we can't alter it, then I'm then I'm gonna have a priority conversation, right?

Speaker 00:

Me too. Right? So I get it.

Speaker 02:

If if we're gonna start this, are we okay stopping this and this or delaying this and this and this? How do I put it into priority? And if the answer is no, you know, I I may have to say, like, are you willing to pay a premium and pay overtime? Or like if it really is that important, like let's have that conversation, which doesn't create a no as much as an understanding of how hot is this?

Speaker 00:

Yep. And how are we gonna get it done? So it's I I think you go into negotiations at that point, right? And you say, Okay, I hear you. It's really critically important. Let's talk about the stuff that it's gonna impact. So notice I'm not like saying, Hey, and that means I can't get this done, right? No, let's talk about the impact on that. It means that this project is probably gonna be delayed two weeks. Can we live with that? Right? So I start like negotiating and setting expectations for this is now become the priority, what's gonna happen with everything else? And I think that is important in that space because sometimes priorities change, sometimes new things come to the table that you know, maybe our boss doesn't even have the ability to say no to. And therefore, we have to figure out a way to align to get that stuff done. Right. And I will say the last piece of this, if it's a coworker, sometimes it's like, I'm not sure I'm the best person. Karman actually is really skilled at this. Do you want to check with her? Or my other one is I can get that done, but it's gonna be about three, three and a half weeks. Will that fit with your time frame? Those are two really good ways of saying no and delaying it, and maybe somebody else will pick it up.