The Leadership Line

The Dangers of Me-First Culture

• Tammy Rogers and Scott Burgmeyer • Season 6 • Episode 34

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Are we becoming workplace jerks in our quest for self-care? This provocative question frames our candid conversation about a troubling trend in modern self-help literature.

When bestsellers like "The Courage to Be Disliked" and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" encourage readers to prioritize themselves, set rigid boundaries, and worry less about others' opinions, something valuable yet dangerous emerges. We unpack Emma Goldberg's thoughtful New York Times piece questioning whether these well-intentioned guides are fostering workplace selfishness.

The balance is delicate. There's tremendous value in speaking your truth and refusing to be a "Get-Along Gary" who sacrifices authenticity for harmony. Your perspective matters - both for your wellbeing and your organization's success. Yet there's a profound difference between healthy boundary-setting and dismissive self-centeredness that can destroy workplace relationships.

Perhaps most importantly, we explore the myth of solo success. Every one of us eventually needs support - whether during personal challenges or professional hurdles. If you've consistently prioritized only yourself, who will be there when you need help? As Tammy wisely observes, "None of us succeed on our own. We succeed because we're in a tribe."

Ready to navigate this complex terrain? Join us for an honest exploration of how to honor your needs without becoming the office jerk. Subscribe now and share your thoughts on finding that sweet spot between self-advocacy and genuine collaboration!

Karman:

Good morning Tammy and Scott.

Tammy:

Good morning sunshine.

Scott:

Well, hello there, Karman.

Karman:

You sound so formal, Scott. Hello there.

Scott:

Sorry, there's a yeah, I can't say that in a recorded podcast.

Tammy:

You say a lot of stuff, so it must be bad. So we'll just let it.

Scott:

It's pretty risky yeah.

Karman:

And is it about me, we'll just it's, it's pretty risky yeah and is it about me?

Scott:

no, it's uh, it's uh, it's uh. I'm mimicking uh a part of a movie yeah, we'll just let it.

Karman:

Let it go Karman I was sort of picturing when you said it like that, like you had a top hat.

Scott:

Oh yes, that is part of that movie.

Tammy:

Well, yep, you got it. Karman Yep. Now anybody who's a movie buff understands and it's inappropriate. So on to the next.

Scott:

Moving on.

Karman:

So I was reading a column, an article not a news article, but like an opinion piece the other day by an author named Emma Goldberg, and she was pointing out Emma. Goldberg. Do you know Emma Goldberg?

Scott:

No, I just was curious. It was the.

Karman:

I mean, is there more than one? Maybe, I do not know.

Scott:

Sorry. What was the column about? Karman?

Karman:

A business reporter covering workplace culture at the New York Times. She writes a lot of today's self-help books that are focused on like drawing boundaries, protecting your peace, worrying less about what other people think of. You are basically turning us into jerks.

Tammy:

I'm laughing so hard because I read that article this morning before this podcast recording.

Karman:

All right, well, so there we go. So the question is like do you think this is true, do you think that there's, do you see this trend, you know, toward self-help? That is about like, live your, you know, put yourself first. And is it? Is it a good thing for the workplace, or are we all gonna turn into jerks?

Scott:

what do you mean turn into I?

Tammy:

was gonna say scott's already there. So in this space, in this space, you know, I think I think, in all honesty, if we go back to the article, she is actually talking about a couple of books, right, and in this particular space, the books that she is talking about is the Courage to Be Disliked, the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Bleep, right Fawning. These are kind of the books that are just hitting right now and her message in that is quit being so. I am going to appease others. Okay, quit being so. Just do what everybody says, get along with one another, which was a message that, if we take back and look back at other generations, it was like get along this thing is saying yeah, yeah, Dale Carnegie, get along, make friends, influence people, right Kind of a thing.

Tammy:

And the books now are saying this thing that says don't appease. Okay. Now I think Emma in this spot was being how do I want to say it? It's like she's picking one piece out of these things and saying, when you actually don't appease, you end up being a jerk. And I'm not sure that I agree with that particular premise. Right, I think there is a difference between not appeasing and being an asshole. Okay, and so that's the piece in her article that I might disagree with, because I think I do.

Tammy:

I think it's important that we are not so worried about what people think, that we don't bring ourselves and our ideas to the table. Okay, how far do you take it? Right, and I'm not sure that these books are saying take it to the place where you stand up front and say you're all assholes and da, da, da, da, da, da, da da. How you disagree, how you bring your ideas to the table, how you set boundaries. That is all important.

Tammy:

And if you do it well, you are not going to cause problems for yourself or the organization. Going to cause problems for yourself or the organization If you do it in a selfish way, like Scott, pounding the table, you know, and the stuff that he talked about in the last podcast. The fact of the matter is then we will have jerks at work. So I have no problem with having opinion, I have no problem with bringing ideas to the table. I think it's the how you do it that becomes important, and I hope that these books and others are not encouraging people to not care about the how they do that.

Scott:

Scott, what do you think, yeah, I've not read this article, so I'm going to be soundbite, steve, for just a moment. And right, so I'm hearing kind of the headline and I think, and right, so I'm hearing kind of the headline and and I think, tammy, I, what you're saying I completely agree with. There's a second part that Karman I think hinted at or I heard in her question is you know, is it okay to put yourself first? Like are the self-help books? And I think there is this how do you take care of yourself so that you can bring your best self to the table? I think that is reasonable. I think that is something many people don't do. Well, are they taking the time to recharge and build their resilience and those elements? I think that's super important. And if I do that and it causes, I'm going to say, harm, pain, suffering to others or the organization no, that just isn't okay.

Scott:

And it's this whole concept and you can listen to the podcast of last week and you can listen to our podcast about work-life balance is bullshit from. You know, I think that was last year, a couple years ago, at the to me at the end I'm at an organization, I'm drawing a salary or I'm getting paid to do a job, assuming that is reasonable. Reasonable Like I need to be a good employee, or I need to be a good leader and support people to be able to take vacation. So I think there is this yes, people need decompression and self-help, whatever that is, which could be I'm going to go meditate. It could be I'm going to take vacation. It could be you know, whatever floats your boat. Yes, please do that and make that a priority for sure. And if you use that, frankly, as an excuse to not execute, to not get outcomes, to not be a good team member, no, sorry.

Tammy:

Well, the piece about that, Scott and I'm glad you brought it up, because here's the deal If I am so self-interested, it's about me, and what I need, it's about me, and what I want, it's about me, it's about me, it's about me, it's about me, okay, where I will say that that's Emma in her article is like I think these authors are trying to say make it about you, okay. Now again, I'm not completely sure that that's the intent of these authors, but if that's the message, People interpret it that way.

Tammy:

Yeah, right, yeah, many people could interpret that way when they read these books. They might interpret. You know, I need to take care of me. I need to put me first, okay.

Scott:

Or my boss is evil, or my company is evil because they don't give me blah, blah, blah. You know everything and it's like. Well, like this will probably sound like I'm too pro company. Maybe for some it is the human business model. You don't get everything.

Tammy:

Well, no, not if we're going to be successful, and that's the other piece of this. So, if it's about me and it's about me, and it's about me and it's about me, please understand that there will come a time period that you will need support, okay, and you will need support from the organization. You know, times are tough, right, and I need the organization to support me by giving me a raise. I need the organization to support me by letting me have time off because this thing's happening with my family. I need support from my coworker because I can't do this without their help, right? There comes a time period in everybody's life that you are going to need more than yourself to get from here to there.

Tammy:

And if you have done all this stuff, it's about me, it's about me and it's about me and you have not been willing to give to others, whether that is the organization, your co-workers, your friends or your family, please understand, you're going to be on an island, because if you're not willing to give, why will anybody give to you? So, this piece of really understanding that none of us succeed on our own. We succeed because we're in a tribe and in that space, if that tribe supports us, that person does this thing that I'm not good at. This person over here does this thing that I'm not good at. This person over here does that thing that I'm not good at and I do this thing that none of those people are good at. This person over here does that thing that I'm not good at and I do this thing that none of those people are good at. We together are better. So if somebody reads into this, you know just like take care of you, take care of you, take care of you. You're going to miss out on understanding and might have a terrible consequence of we oftentimes cannot win on our own. We oftentimes cannot expand and level up and be all that we could be on our own. And if you're not a good friend, if you're not a good employee, if you're not a good co-worker, they are going to exclude you as well, because you've excluded them in that space.

Tammy:

And so, yeah, read these books, by the way, those books that we talked about. I mean, they're bestsellers. It's out there, it is a message, but don't get lost in it, right? I do think appeasing is not great. I do think, not speaking up and sharing your perspective, we lose out on another point of view, I don't think saying yes and being a get along, gary go back to our recent book right, being a get along Gary is not helpful for you, nor is it helpful for the organization, nor is it helpful for your friends. Your perspective has value, okay, and please know, don't take it to the point where it's all about me. It is about us, and I think, unfortunately, we're missing that in today's culture, where it's like I am doing all this stuff for me and we've forgotten that it takes more than you to win.